...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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