Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
