Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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