I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
