im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
