please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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