On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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