So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
