I just saw a hot homeless man
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
