I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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