So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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