if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So vagazzling was a success
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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