I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
