I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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