i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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