Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
