Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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