So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize