she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There r osticjed everywhere
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
