i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
