yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
