All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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