Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
