You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
