I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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