we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
