remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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