Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
