you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize