Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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