so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
