proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
