God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
