I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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