you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
