my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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