ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
