I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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