Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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