Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
