my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
