just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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