I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
