I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
