i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
