never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
