I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
