Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
