I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
