The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
