Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
