i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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