Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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