My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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