I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
