I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
