I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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