I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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