Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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