Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
