Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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