just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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